I’ve been trying to write this post for over 4 weeks now. I started it the week before Mother’s Day, thinking it would be an appropriate entry for Mother’s Day week. Actually, I’ve been trying to write this account for almost 23 months. I have all the excuses – I’m too busy, I’m too tired, I have to make dinner, I’m starting my own photography business, etc. But if I’m to be honest with you and with myself, the reason I haven’t been able to write this particular entry is because it’s a very emotionally charged subject for me. It’s the birth story of my precious daughter. I love her more than life itself. So this should be a happy and wonderful story. Yet, I ran into a lot of roadblocks and uneducated medical staff that made my story less than ideal. But I feel guilt over the conflicting emotions that I feel when I think of that day. The end result was I had a healthy beautiful little girl and thank G-d, I was healthy myself – so the means shouldn’t matter, right? At least that’s what the little voice in my head keeps telling me. So you see why it’s been a tedious task to get this story down on paper. Thank you in advance, for reading this.
The clock read 5:15 AM. I had been up another night coughing uncontrollably. Luckily, my fever had broken 24 hours earlier. But that dang Swine Flu was kicking my butt. Now, I had a stomach ache. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and sat there for a moment. I glanced over to the empty side of the bed – my husband also had swine flu and we decided it would be better if we slept separately until we were both feeling better. So he was downstairs on the couch, hopefully sleeping more peacefully that I had been. I slowly eased my large pregnant body out of the bed and wobbled to the bathroom. “Great”, I thought – now I can add diarrhea to my list of ailments from the lovely H1N1. Practically falling asleep on the toilet, I suddenly perked upright as I felt a gush of water come out of me…. A gush of pee? More Diarrhea? Or, perhaps, did my water just break? I got a chill down my spine (or maybe it was just gas) at the thought that my water had indeed just broken. Never without my cell phone, even in the bathroom, I called my husband downstairs. No answer. Did I mention an earthquake couldn’t wake him? I tried a few more times without any luck. So I called my mom. She woke my sister and they called my dad. Then my sister and I both kept calling Mr. Big. Finally, he awoke and came running upstairs. Still half asleep and his brain fogged with the Swine, he just stared at me. It could’ve also been that I wasn’t due for another month. It finally hit him and he sprung into action. He started getting dressed and grabbing my hospital bag. I still hadn’t gotten up from the porcelain throne. I even called the doctor on call from there! Though, I hadn’t felt any contractions, the doctor advised me to come in. My mom, who lives down the street, came and picked us up. The hour trip to the hospital was literally only an hour, as oppose to two hours during rush hour, as this was a Sunday morning.
After we had checked in at the hospital and they went over all the paper work making sure they had all of our insurance information, they lead me down a hall where a nurse met me. She verified that my water had indeed broken. And then she hooked me up to monitor the baby and contractions. Since I was only 36 weeks and 4 days, I hadn’t been checked to see if the baby was head down and I hadn’t had my strep B test either. So the doctor on call came in at that point and he did an ultrasound. Luckily, my little girl was head down. He also checked me and reported that I was 100% effaced but only 2 cm dilated. I was only having irregular contractions (so minor I wasn’t even feeling them.) He then turned to me, my husband and my mom and announced that he wanted to start me on Pitocin. Right away, I objected. I asked him if I could walk around the hospital a little bit to see if the contractions picked up on their own. He hemmed and hawed and then said something to the effect of “well, you could…..but I really wouldn’t recommend it. Your water already broke and we need to get the baby out within 24 hours so you don’t develop an infection.” As I gave him a look of uncertainty mixed with a little anger, he continued with, “Why don’t you want Pitocin? What bad things have you heard about it?” I went on to tell him that it’s unnatural and causes contractions to be stronger and closer together than mother nature intended and that most people who have it need some kind of pain relief . (My birth plan was to have a natural birth with no interventions and no medication). The doctor then chuckled and replied “I don’t know why people say that – it isn’t any different than normal contractions.” Ummm, okay…when did he grow a uterus? At this point, my husband and my mom, thinking that the doctor knew best, aired their opinions which agreed with the doctor. This being my first experience with giving birth, I conceded.
So they unhooked me from the current monitors I was on and had me go down to another hallway where the birthing rooms were located. When I walked in, I was excited. The hospital had just 6 labor tubs and I was lucky that my room had one! As I was talking excitedly to my husband and mother telling them how I couldn’t wait to get into the tub, the nurse walked in and interrupted me. She quickly put a damper on my plans when she told me that once I was hooked up to the Pitocin, I had to be constantly monitored and couldn’t use the tub! Ugh! But I took it in stride, still not knowing what lay ahead.
A little while later, they hooked me up and started the Pitocin. First 15/20 minutes it wasn’t bad…. And I started thinking, “maybe the doctor was right…this isn’t bad.” Then, it hit me - a strong contraction so bad that it sent me right to tears. The nurse, however, was amazing. She held my hand (as did Mr. Big) and she did some guided imagery with me. Finally, the contraction was over. Figuring I had a good few minutes before another one came along, I adjusted myself in the bed and was asking for a magazine I brought with me…when about 45 seconds later, yes, seconds, another contraction hit. This went on at that intensity and at that frequency for another 45 minutes. The nurse was so great, though. She rubbed my arms, she had me try different position, she gave me ice cloths for my forehead when I was hot and covered me with hot towels when I was cold. She continued to do guided imagery with me. However, I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt so weak and defeated and in shame, I said those words I never wanted to say, “May I have an epidural please?” OK, I actually yelled “get me an epidural now!” My luck, it took the anesthesiologist over a half hour to get there. The first try getting the epidural in, she missed and hit a blood vessel! Man, did that hurt…it was way worse than the initial feeling and pressure that ran down my leg. I almost didn’t want her to try again. But the next contraction reminded me that I did. She finally got the epidural in and she left. After a few more contractions, I was still in just as much pain! So she returned and upped my dosage. I was still feeling everything. So she then gave me a controller to hold and told me I could administer more boluses as needed. Finally, I felt some relief. Then they upped the Pitocin again. And the epidural no longer worked. So they called back the anesthesiologist. She added Lydocaine(sp?) to the epidural and left. After a little while, I had complete relief. Before long, they upped the Pitocin yet again. Did I mention that they kept doing this without checking me, since they couldn’t check me for fear of infection since my water had already broken? So, yes, they kept upping the Pitocin with no real knowledge of how I was progressing. Oh, and they also were administering antibiotics to me since my strep B status was unknown. And they were administering steroids to me as well, since I was 3 ½ weeks early. When they upped the Pitocin this time, my right side was still totally pain free but my left side was in agony. So they repositioned me and then had me administer some more boluses. After that, I was completely numb and didn’t feel any pain. I went in and out of sleep for the next few hours. During this time, my amazing nurse’s shift was over and another nurse, this one not so great, took over.
At 6pm, the Dr. came in and looked at the monitor. He mentioned that he wanted to turn the pit up again. And I started dreading it, since each time they did it we had problems with the epidural. But then he stopped and declared that maybe he should check me. As soon as he did, he said, “You’re fully dilated and ready to push!” I actually freaked out a little bit (actually, I freaked out more than a little bit and the doctor even assured me everything would be fine). That was it….there was no turning back at that point! So they broke the bed apart. My mom grabbed one leg and Mr. Big grabbed the other. They nurse put her fingers in me and told me to push them away. I was so numb, I couldn’t feel a thing. But I tried to push (again, had no idea if I was or not). As soon as I did, my mom said, “oh my gosh, I see the head.” So upon my request, they set up a mirror so I could see. Sure enough there was the head. They asked me to push again and I did and you could really see the head. They asked Mr. Big to look and he couldn’t believe it. They couldn’t either, because the nurses told me to stop and called the doctor back in. So he got set up and asked me to push and bam her head was out and the doctor was so surprised, he even said “Whoa!” Next, she just slid right out! Both the doctor and the nurses commented that I was an excellent pusher. In just 3 pushes my beautiful blessing was born at 6:22 PM. Her daddy immediately started crying. I just laid there in awe.
They put her on my belly. I asked the doctor if we could let the umbilical cord finish pulsing before we cut it (again, as I was in my birth plan). But the doctor said that the cord was too short and he’d rather not. So, my mom cut the cord. I held my baby for a few minutes, and then they took her to the warmer across the room and cleared her mouth out, weighed her, etc. My mom followed around taking pictures. Mr. Big watched and cried. I had 2nd degree lacerations, so the doctor stitched me up. Then, they brought my princess back and put her on my chest and Mr. Big and I just looked at her and kissed her and each other. I also tried to nurse her. She nursed for about 5 minutes. My breasts are so huge that it was a little bit of a challenge and the nurse offered me no support. About 15 minutes later, I got a huge belly ache and felt like I had to poop (have diarrhea again). The nurse insisted it was uterine contractions. I kept telling her it wasn’t. Then she kept telling me that it was normal for my rectum to hurt. Again, I kept telling her that wasn’t what I was talking about – I was having pains in my colon. I kept begging for a bed pan. She wouldn’t give it to me, so I just went in bed (gross, I know…sorry for the TMI). So then she brought over the bed pan and mumbling under breath all annoyed. (In the mean time, Mr. Big took our daughter and sat down with her and just admired her and continued to cry). I was on the bed pan for like 30 minutes in pain and sweating. She saw that I was pushing. So the nurse yelled at me to stop it. She told me if I didn’t I would get a prolapsed uterus. She then brought me Percocet and forced me to take it. I didn’t want to take it as I knew what my body was telling me and I also didn’t want any unnecessary medications! But she demanded I take it and just wait for it to work. It was the worst feeling ever – trying to hold diarrhea in, especially after giving birth. Let me tell you this was WAY worse than the birth. Plus, I was in so much agony I couldn’t even hold my baby. Finally, after another 30 minutes or so, they had to move me to the postpartum room. So they wheeled us over there and I started to feel a little bit better. So I held my miracle and my parents and in-laws took pictures. Around 11 PM both sets of grandparents left. Around 12:30 AM, I asked to try to nurse again and the nurse just left us alone to do so. I really had wanted her there for some direction and assistance. About 5 minutes into it, my little girl started coughing. I stopped and started burping her and she turned blue!!! Mr. Big called the nurse and they all came running and grabbed her away. Mr. Big and I started crying. They gave her some oxygen and she was okay. She had been choking on some amniotic fluid. So they took her away for some observation for about an hour and then brought her back. They decided that a nurse would stay with me every time I nursed. I also asked my nurse what we should do if it happened while we were home. Her response was “burp her like hell and call 911”. Not what we wanted to hear! When they had brought her back, she had a pacifier in her mouth. I had told everyone and it was written in my birth plan that I didn’t want her to have a pacifier. So I reminded the nurse of that when she brought Miss T back. The nurse turned to me and said, “Why not, mom?” To which I replied, “I’m breastfeeding her and I don’t want her to have nipple confusion”. The nurse then replied, “Only a stupid baby would have nipple confusion!” Did your jaw just drop? Mine still does every time I think of that. All I can say is thank goodness my daughter didn’t have nipple confusion because as a new mom, I would’ve been hysterical thinking that I had a “stupid baby”!
Around 4 AM, after the Percocet wore off, the urge to poop returned. Mr. Big was sleeping, so I slipped out of bed to use the bathroom. I didn’t call the nurse because I was afraid she’d react as the other one had. Guess what? When I went to the bathroom I did have diarrhea. See? I knew my own body!
Then on Monday, the pediatrician decided that they should keep our princess up in the NICU for further observation. We actually didn’t mind, because we were so scared and didn’t want to take her home until she was ready. However, due to our Swine Flu status, the CDC didn’t want Mr. Big and me going up there to visit her!!!! Everybody else at the hospital was on our side and thought that as long as we wore masks it would be okay. But they had to have a big meeting about it. So they whisked our baby away and we just cried – we didn’t know when we’d be able to see her again. About two hours later they came back and told us that it was okay as long as we wore our masks. So we did and went right up to see her. Thankfully, she was doing great.
However, as soon as she was brought up to the NICU they insisted that since she was a preemie she “needed” to be supplemented with formula “or else”. I tried telling them I didn’t want her to have any formula but the nurses insisted that preemies had special needs (she was only premature by 3 days, mind you) and she must have it to thrive. Again, I was NOT happy. But they insisted that she needed it to gain strength and I didn’t seem to have a choice. So as a first time mama, I felt like I had let them do it. They promised it was just until my milk came in. So they had me nurse her first and then my husband feed her with the bottle. (It was only months later that I learned that even if they wanted her supplemented by formula, that they shouldn’t have given it to her by a bottle since she was a breastfed baby, that they could’ve either finger fed her or given it to her through a special tube taped next to my nipple.) Did I mention that I requested several times to see a lactation consultant and that no one ever came to see me?
Finally, on Tuesday morning all the doctors agreed that she was healthy and could go home as planned with us. So that was relief. Even though she was so little, she passed her car seat test, which was also a relief.
As we were leaving the hospital, Miss T in her car seat flanked on either side by my husband and me ( both of us wearing masks), the nurse stuck a pacifier in her mouth and said “make sure you continue to supplement her with formula otherwise she’ll wind up right back here!” Right until the end, they were trying to bully me with misinformation!
Thinking of how I was treated really angers me. I feel like as a first time mom, I was completely preyed upon. Thankfully, my daughter is a healthy almost 2 year old who is still nursing strong! But after a day of supplementing her with formula at home, it just didn’t feel right. So I threw out all of the formula and just breastfed her. And guess what? My milk came right in as soon as that was her sole source of nutrition. She never had a problem gaining weight or anything. I did have to see a lactation consultant at the pediatrician’s office. I only needed to work with her once and we were fine…something that could’ve and should’ve been taken care of right at the hospital. I also had to wean my daughter off of a pacifier at 5 days old, thanks to them blatantly ignoring my request.
On that late day in June, I gave birth to the most incredible little being. Though my experience with the labor and birth were far from ideal, I still, with G-d’s help, brought a miracle into the world. And for that, I am forever thankful.
If you are still reading this, thank you!
